A thank you to the mom's in 2008

“It takes a village” is a phrase that I have always heard regarding children and their upbringing. This used to mean neighbors could discipline your children, people we hardly knew could be relied upon to do carpool, a newly turned 12 yr old could be trusted to babysit your children.  Now a day’s, it’s changed, but the need is still there. Children are erratic, spontaneous, and full-time mom’s also need their village. A community of grown-ups who talk about things, ask how your day is going, and generally care about your well-being.

One morning, we, W (my son) and B2 (the boy I was nannying for) and I were at an indoor play area. I met a mom who mentioned an online forum she was a part of, and how I needed to join so I could meet more people. We exchanged numbers, and even talked on the phone that night. Me explaining why I didn’t think I could belong, as I lived outside the city of Charlotte, and she encouraging me to set up my account anyways, since the benefits far outweighed any consequences. So, that evening I joined called Charlotte Area Mommies, and a whole new world opened up to me. We could post questions, seek reviews of products, talk about our favorite tv shows, and also form playgroups. I had never belonged to an online group before, and soaked up all this knowledge. Mom’s asking about babies, what they were making their family for dinner, talking about cloth diapering,  vaccinating (or not), and so on. And this is where I found a playgroup of mom’s and children within 6 months of age of W & B2. It was an already established playgroup, as these mom’s started getting together when their kids were babies, so I reached out and replied to their next Thursday morning playdate, asking if we could come.

After receiving permission from B2’s mom, off we went to our first play-date. Now, children at this stage don’t necessarily play together, they do what is called, “parallel play”, where they sit by each other and interact with their own toys, but don’t interact with each other. They also love to find what is at the bottom of the toy box, get distracted easily, and for the most part, are not putting everything in their mouth. The reality of what that looks like is ALL the toys are on the floor, EVERTYHING is emptied out of bins, boxes and totes, and the children are either sitting on the floor playing with 1 thing, or they are running laps around the house, while the mom’s are trying to visit, and clean up at the same time.

I remember coming home from that first playdate feeling absolutely drained, from talking, cleaning up, and the sheer noise of it all. I also felt welcome, supported, and not so alone. These were all mom’s who had either chosen to stay home after their babies were born, or who worked in the evening/night. Either way, we had all had an abrupt shift once our kids were born. We went from visiting with adults regularly in our jobs to maybe not even seeing another adult all day. We all knew the loneliness of this chapter in our lives. The basic guidelines were,  anywhere from 4-10 mom’s, would meet on Thursday mornings, in a rotating fashion, with everyone having a turn to “host”. It didn’t need to be at your house, you were only responsible for setting up the post in CMA’s as a reminder and see if anyone else wanted to come.

And so it began, everything Thursday morning, for as long as we were in Charlotte. And what a wonderful thing to have happen to us. We LIVED for Thursday’s now. It meant that I could have an assessment day at work Monday’s, plan an outing on Tuesday, a craft on Wed, and then clean up and do chores on Friday. Just that one additional morning when I knew the boys would be entertained, and I could talk with other adults that kept me motivated me through the whole week. We loved it so much, I remember driving through an ice storm just so I could come to a playdate! We went to people’s homes, their neighborhood pools, playgrounds, firehouse’s, strawberry picking, Nature Center’s, Chucky Cheese, even once made a big adventure uptown on their public transportation. It was great.

The children got older, and the playgroups started to thin down, as some kids were put in daycare/school, or the mom’s had a sibling to bring and the now 3yr olds needed to be a little bit more gentle around the baby. There were still mom’s who met regularly, and needed this form of therapy, myself included. And this is how I was able to continue to work in this job, barley making above minimum wage for so long. This group nourished my spirit.

With my whole heart, thank you mom’s. Thank you for including me in your circle, for empowering me with your attitudes, your opinions, and your willingness to listen. Not only to me, but to my kids, and the crazy noises children make. Thank you for showing up, for hosting, for allowing me into your world for those brief moments. We are all now friends on social media, and our kids are turning into teenagers, and have entered middle school. I’ve seen these all these children grow as well. I’ve seen pictures of surgeries, and of new siblings, heard about medical obstacles, gotten new addresses as you have moved, and thank you for all of that too. Thank you for STILL being in my life, even if now it’s a postcard at Christmas, I treasure them. You all were un-sung angles during this time, and it was magical, as I have not found another group that has bonded like you women. As we are all on different paths now, know that each and every one of you helped me in my journey, and your support will be cherished always. 

My professional story

How did I end up where I am?

In 2001 I graduated from Missouri State University (then it was Southwest Missouri State) with a degree in Hospitality and Restaurant Administration. I moved to Charlotte, NC to start my life with my fiancé, while all my other friends got their first-rung jobs in big companies within the 2 largest cities in Missouri. Then, on Sept 11, 2001, our world changed forever, and almost immediately, the bottom fell out of the hospitality world, and no one was hiring. I needed an income, and I researched what a nanny was, how it was different than an au pair, and got to work trying to find a job listing that was not teaching in a day care, and something a little more than what I did as 14yr old in my childhood neighborhood.

Once I was hired, the first job turned into more a chauffeur for 3 young teens, then moved to a job where my charge and I were not allowed to leave the house, until finally I settled in a family that had a 14 month, and a 4 day old. I spent 2.5 years with this family, and at the end was pregnant with my first son. Life again adjusted, because I knew I did not want to put him in a daycare program, but could not afford to stay home. Craigslist had recently come onto the scene, and I found a family actively searching for a nanny to bring their child with them to work, so that their son and mine could play together. My son and their’s were 4 months apart, and played like 2 boys would, and they paid me half of what I had previously been paid. This was it, I figured, I get to make memories with my son while getting paid this menial wage. Suck it up and deal with it.

In 2010 we had the ability to move to Dallas, TX, to be closer to my parents. I was so excited about the possibility of working in profitable city like Dallas, and knew the jobs would come pouring in. Except, they didn’t. I found the culture very different here, and had to learn how to navigate this new city. I interviewed with a couple of agencies, and got 80% through with a large agency, and went to their course on “Nanny Portfolio’s” where I was taught about how to make a scrapbook about my career, and use that to get a new job. Two interviews later, a family I found on my own, offered me a position.

Mid-2011 we found out we were expecting, and when I told my work family, they were so happy, and wanted me to bring my son with me to work. It was going to work out wonderfully. Although, when I did, it really got under work-from-home-Mb’s skin, and she began to get passive aggressive towards me, resentful of the division of attention, and made it an all-around uncomfortable work place.

At this point, there was injection of some stress in my home life, and I made the decision to divorce my husband. I quit working, and spent some time re-evaluating my career, and establishing a new life for myself. When I emerged, I had 3 new part-time jobs, and knew that it would be a bit a grind, but it was a necessary first step.

It’s now 2016, and I’m still managing my schedule, managing my 2 sons, and am fed up with driving here and there, trying to find ways to spend random hours of time where my shift doesn’t start, but don’t have enough time to go home. During this time I have found the nanny network in Dallas, and have begun making friends, and co-workers. I am connected with a woman who has a thriving company of nannies, and she connects me a family of 2 young girls, who offer me a full-time job. This was a wonderful move for me, as it allowed me to work for one family, and home in time to be with my boys after school.

After two and a half years, this job ended, and I fell into a valley of vast emptiness of nanny jobs. I interviewed, and interviewed, and talked with people, over and over. I saw more nannies join the job search, and knew that I had even more competition. My (new) husband was struggling to support me, all while wondering how much longer this would continue as we needed my income for the house we recently bought. I lowered my rate, and kept interviewing, and finally after 5 months, had a new family to work for. This would have been a relief, except that 6 weeks into this job, I knew it wasn’t the right fit for me.

So, what did I do? Start the whole process over while keeping a pleasant face during the day while working, and applying to every job that became available. It took me even more interviews, a lot of self-reflection, but I found another family needing a loving nanny and a parental coach, which is what I specialize in. After 9 months, I moved on, and have now found a place where I am appreciated, respected, and an active member of their team.

15 Min early

Start your day 15 min early

My mornings begin at 5:30 during the week. This number has been been slowly creeping earlier and earlier, as I have more things I’d like to get done before leaving the house for work. I have my mental checklist:  fix my hair (braid, messy bun), coffee, packing mine and hubs lunch, and making sure whatever we are having for dinner is defrosting/prepped. When the kids are here, it also includes getting the 6yr old up, making their lunch and snuggle time with said 6yr old. It’s been a tough reality of getting up earlier and earlier. It started when we were “late” according to my 12 year old. He’s a stickler for time and routine, and his nervousness made me more nervous. So, the next week, we backed things up 5 min. Although, 5 min for him, was 15 min for me. 6:00, 5:45, and now 5:30. Secretly, I’ve been thinking another 15 min would actually benefit me as well….soon it might be 5:15

These are things I gladly do, which gets my me in the proper mindset for work. I don’t want to start my day rushed, in a hurry and with my mind all in a tizzy. My stress will rub off on them, and that isn’t good for anyone. I want to drive the boys to Nonna’s house while jamming away to their current favorite music, drop them off, drive to work while listening to my podcasts, and sit and finish my makeup 1 house down from work, all while keeping a casual eye on the clock.

I first came across this idea when I read “Money Saving blog” and she mentioned she liked a few quiet moments alone with her coffee and bible. Her gentle approach to this, as in, I WANT to have a few moments of quiet time, and this is how I will access it, seemed easy enough for me. I didn’t want it to work, I wanted to be able to find the time in the evening to do all of those prep things so I could walk out the door on time. Except, by the time evening came around,  the day had already happened to ME, and I was struggling to keep up. All I wanted to do by then was sit and relax before the next day overtook me. So, I figured I’d try it. I whine about how early I was getting up, to just start my day, not work out or read my bible, just start my day, and you know? It worked, and I slowly got used to the idea.

Now I found this pocket of time, and at times, it feels like treasure trove of energy. The mornings I don’t wash my hair, and throw it back in a pony/braid, I have 30 min before the rest of my day needs to begin. How do I fill this time now? By cleaning. Yep, I use this quiet time to do my own chores. Sometimes I take a wipe, and clean off my bathroom counters. Or, I go an load the dishwasher from last nights dinner, or make a sweep of the family room to declutter of toys/cups/napkins and whatever else has found it’s way there. And, you know? It’s such a good feeling I have to walk into that room after work, and see those clean counters, the empty coffee table, the folded blankets.

It comes back to how I want to feel, which is happy and maybe I’m getting a hang of this “adulting” thing. I’m not a tidy person, I don’t clean as I cook, and I like to spread out my stuff when I work. Which, in turn, leaves a constant state of mess around my house. That’s how it is,  and I’ve accepted this part of me. In finding these moments of time when I can clean up my stations, reset the room, makes me feel good.